Before Samra Zafar was married as a young woman she had dreams of pursuing her education. She had a different definition of a full life than those among her friends and family, and for years she struggled against cultural expectations to achieve these goals. In the end it meant leaving her husband and losing some of those closest to her. But she also made huge gains.
Ahead of our conversation with Samra Zafar on May 5th , Manahil Bandukwala interviewed her about why writing about her experience has been an important step in her life.
MB: Hi Samra, the theme of your event, “The River of Life,” is on finding strength, struggling for empowerment, and making defining choices. In A Good Wife, you talk about finding the strength to leave the past behind. Where do you find your strength?
SZ: I believe our strength lies within us. Strength does not mean the absence of weakness. Strength means getting up and moving forward despite the weak moments. I have always faced (and continue to face) times when I feel weak, broken and afraid. And I choose to get up one more time, and take one more step.
The other very important factor is the support system around us. Human connection creates resilience–and I always seek out and cultivate relationships, friendships and connections that I can lean on or get advice from when times get tough.
MB: You also talk about difficult choices, such as the choice to leave your husband. Can you talk about the choices you’ve made that have shaped who you are today?
SZ: I’m a strong believer in taking charge of one’s own life. Our lives are shaped by the choices we make, every single day - the choice to believe instead of give up, the choice to hope instead of despair, the choice to forgive instead of avenge, the choice to love instead of hate. I always thought if I don’t respect my dreams, no one else will. Despite a lot of opposition, I never gave up on my dreams and I kept making the choice to hope and strive. And today, I make the choice to forgive–because by occupying space in my heart with hate, anger and resentment, I leave less space for love, joy and happiness.
MB: Lots of women have reached out to you after encountering your writing or hearing you speak to talk about their own situations. What effect do you find sharing your story has?
SZ: I started sharing my story because I knew it was the story of millions of women and girls around the world who continue to suffer in silence because of fear, lack of support and other barriers. By raising my voice, I am helping others reclaim their voices. Thousands of women write to me with their stories of struggle and triumph, and how I have inspired them to save their own lives. It’s a privilege and an honour to be able to touch lives this way.
MB: In an article in The Toronto Star, you mention that your older daughter encouraged you to share your story. You started writing and publishing more, including sharing the story in Toronto Life that eventually went on to become A Good Wife. Why do you write? What pushes you to write?
SZ: Every morning, I wake up to dozens of messages on my social media from people across the world who have been impacted and inspired by my work. For example, just 2 months ago, a woman wrote to me how after hearing me speak, she went to the police to report her abuser and put the shame where it belongs. That is what keeps me going, and I will never stop.
MB: You’ve spoken at TEDx Mississauga and Amnesty International, among other places. How does your writing fits in with your public speaking? How did this influence the writing process of A Good Wife?
SZ: My writing and speaking complement each other very well. They are two avenues of amplifying my messages. The success of A Good Wife has opened up new speaking platforms where I can drill deeper into the nuances and structural roots of abuse, and how we can challenge them as a society. And stories from the lives I touch through my speaking make their way into my writing. It all goes together hand-in-hand.
MB: In addition to being a writer and speaker, you work in banking. How does this fit with your writing and advocacy work?
SZ: I now work at BMO as Director, Business Finance. I am very proud to work in an organization that advocates and takes action for gender equity and social justice. In my role, I empower women entrepreneurs across Canada in their success journey, while creating impact in our communities. The bank fully supports my speaking, writing and advocacy work as it fits in beautifully with the company values.
MB: What’s next for you?
SZ: Next is getting A Good Wife in the hands of women across the world!
MB: Do you have anything else you want to add?
SZ: With success comes responsibility. I want to encourage everyone to pay it forward, in their own ways, and reach out to offer connection. Even the smallest action, a few kind words, on our part can have a life changing impact on others.